


Mirror of my Soul

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: The Mirror Universe [2]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 18:50:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19382656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Sam is shocked to find that he and Al have leaped together -- into twins.  Unfortunately, that's just the beginning of the surprises





	Mirror of my Soul

**Author's Note:**

> 2nd in the Mirror Universe, originally from Quantum Fire 6

July 28, 1955:

 

The first sensation I had during the leap-in was one of being held fast. It faded quickly, and I realized I was in the middle of nothing more harmful than a hug. When I pulled away awkwardly, I noticed the person I was hugging was male. _Not again,_ I pleaded silently.

The other guy also let go quickly, stepping back with an embarrassed cough. I was encouraged by his discomfort, but my sense of disorientation was very strong this time. I had no idea what to say, or do. My companion said nothing either, giving me no clues. I waited, watching as he wandered around the room almost aimlessly. He still hadn't looked at me. Now his behavior was adding to my unease. I wondered if he had some sort of mental problem, he seemed almost more disoriented than me.

As a leap went on, I was supposed to relax as pieces began falling into place. It wasn't happening this time. All I knew was that I was in a rustic-looking cabin, with a strange man who didn't talk. He seemed young, had blond hair, blue eyes, and fair features. He really didn't look dangerous, but his actions were very odd. I tried to cover my growing confusion by sauntering casually over to the window. Looking out, I discovered we were in the middle of the woods. From my vantage point, I could see no other neighbors in sight. It was daylight. A glance at the watch I wore fixed the time at 4:00 p.m. A battered pick-up was parked near the door, the license plate from North Dakota.

My minor discoveries made me feel like I had a better handle on things. I turned back to my 'friend' with more confidence. "Maybe we should think about fixing dinner?" I began as a fairly safe way to get him talking--provided we hadn't already eaten, that is.

"Sure," he agreed readily, in a relieved tone. "If you want..." now his tone turned unsure.

"If you're hungry," I prompted.

He finally looked at me. As I held his gaze, his eyes changed. A kind of manic glee filled them and he opened his mouth. "Holy shit!" he suddenly exclaimed.

I jumped in surprise and stared at him with trepidation. Grinning like an escapee from an asylum, he approached me with his arms outstretched. All my new-found control deserted me as he came closer.

I backed away slowly. "What's going on?" I asked carefully, sidling around the couch to put something between us.

"You don't know?" he asked, chasing me into the kitchen.

By this time I'd decided, the hell with pretending to be who I'd leaped into. Until I knew what was going on, I wasn't playing. I shook my head fiercely.

His gaze turned slightly wild and his grin became almost a leer. "Aw, come on, cutie-pie, you always liked to play rough before..." he coaxed in a little boy tone incongruous for the subject.

"I--changed my mind!" I yelled firmly, dodging his lunge and beating a hasty retreat back into the living room. He followed, relentless.

Just what I needed, trapped in a cabin with a lunatic trying to jump my bones. It made my previous leap into a gay man tame as a kitten. I realized I didn't even know if I was a woman or man, I was dressed in unisex jeans and plaid shirt. Not that it mattered which, under the circumstances.

It didn't matter to my crazy friend.

"I love it when you play hard to get," he informed me, stalking his prey with a self-assured saunter.

"Cut it out!" I ordered.

"Please...I'll let you tie me up this time..."

"Maybe later," I said, desperate to defuse the situation. I'd already decided to knock him out if he came near me, but I didn't want it to come to that.

"Gee, the guys at the hospital let me play with them," he whined, confirming my diagnosis of a mental patient. I hoped I'd miss-interpreted the situation. Could be he wasn't suggesting anything sexual, just a game of cowboys and Indians or something.

"We have to eat dinner, now," I told him in a voice I'd use on a child. "Okay?"

"What are we having? I' m starved," he asked, bounding into the kitchen. Sounding almost like a sane adult. He opened the refrigerator door and peered in.

I followed carefully, mindful of sudden moves. I wished Al would get there soon, or I might be the one to go out of my mind.

"There doesn't seem to be much of anything," he announced, pulling out two cans of beer. "Plenty of booze, though. Guess we haven't gone to the store yet." He slapped me on the back with another leer, and handed me one of the cans.

I looked into the refrigerator myself. While far from stocked, it wasn't as barren as he'd made it out to be. "How about hot dogs?"

He grinned lasciviously and slid an arm around my shoulders. "I thought you'd never ask. How about dinner in bed?"

"Oh Christ..." I exclaimed, removing the arm.

He chuckled heartily and took a big gulp of beer. The guy was a happy lunatic, I had to give him that. He had the look of a man hoarding his own private joke. One I probably would not have understood if he'd told me.

"I'll be good," he vowed sincerely, crossing his heart with his fingers. But he spoiled it with another of those leers. "Very good..."

"Can we just eat dinner?!" I snapped, at the end of my rope.

"What's gotten into you, anyway?" he asked, reminding me that I wasn't acting like the sicko I'd obviously leaped into.

"I'm not in the mood--you got a problem with that?!" I screeched.

He held out his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Okay, sugar buns, we'll do it your way for now. You can made dinner."

 

QLQLQL

 

While I cooked, he thankfully found something to amuse himself with in the other room. I heard a lot of rummaging around, and at one pint he exclaimed in glee over some discovery or other, but I didn't look. I put the cast iron frying pan within reach and curse out the hologram. He could have arrived early for a change.

My 'friend' was slightly more subdued at the dinner table, busy stuffing his face with food. I'd chopped up the hot dogs and mixed them with some beans and spices--I didn't trust him with whole ones. I ate slower, not having much of an appetite.

"This is great," he complimented. "I forgot, you're a decent cook."

"Thanks."

"I brought the bear trap and the rubber tubing," he said in that same matter-of-fact tone. "But I left the dildo at home. Will a cucumber do?"

I almost missed the meaning. When I realized, I choked on my beer. I had a feeling he wasn't talking about hunting.

"Are you okay?"

I gestured wildly for him to remain in his seat. "Fine." I was suddenly sorry I'd ever called Al a pervert. I now knew the true meaning.

I heard the sound of a match striking. The smell of cigar smoke filled the small room. "Pass the bread, Sam," he asked casually.

"Sure." I picked it up.

And froze.

"What did you say?" I stared at him.

A smile curled his lips. It got slowly bigger, turning into a grin. The larger it got, the more my suspicions rose. I took a close look into those twinkling eyes, bright with amusement. They were familiar.

"A--Al??" I breathed in stunned comprehension. Al was in the leap with me!

The grin dissolved into laughter, and he doubled over in uncontrollable spasms of mirth.

My face brightened with happiness. "Al!" It was Al, all the while. All the while... My smile darkened as the previous hours of fun at my expense came to mind.

"You were hysterical!" he managed between guffaws.

"Al..." I began threateningly.

Al looked up at the tone of my voice, his amusement fading slightly. "I couldn't resist," he explained with a grin. "It was too good to pass up." He was watching me carefully, beginning to realize the danger he was in. "When you ran away from me like that..."

I started to rise, very slowly.

"C'mon, I was only joking..."

I decided not to give him any warning. I lunged, intent on getting my hands around his neck and throttling him. Unfortunately, he anticipated my move and dashed from the table. I pursued relentlessly, growling threats under my breath.

"C'mon, Sam--chill out!" Al pleaded as he ran out of the front door, with me on his heels.

"I'm gonna kill you!" I warned. I made a grab, managing to catch hold of the back of his shirt. It was enough to knock him down. I landed on top of him and we rolled around on the ground for a minute, struggling. I was abruptly reminded of one thing about him--he was slippery as an eel. He twisted out of my grasp and tore off behind the house.

I ran after him. I had to admit, anger was melting, replaced by a feeling a freedom and fun I hadn't had in a long time. Suddenly I felt like we were a couple of kids, playing in the yard.

Deciding that strategy was going to work better than blind strikes, I backed off, slipping behind a large tree to wait.

Sure enough, soon Al was in sight, looking around cautiously. "Sam? he called. "I know what you're up to..."

Luckily, he was in position before he caught wise. I jumped out from behind the tree and pulled him to me with my arm around his neck. He tried to throw me off and we tumbled to the ground on our butts, my arm still firmly in place on his windpipe.

Desire for revenge left me in a rush. I buried my face in his neck and held on tight.

After a second, his arms went around me.

"Asshole," I told him affectionately.

"I missed you, too."

We stayed like that for a long time.

 

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It was like Christmas. We forgot there was a leap, and didn't bother wondering how we'd come to unexpectedly leap together. After we went back into the house, we snooped into every nook and cranny of the place. Al found a few more cigars. They were old and stale, but he put them aside for when desperation set in. Our prize find was another case of beer, in the back of the truck. We toasted the leap, each other, the beer, the cigars, Time...

There was a TV and electricity, unusual for such a cabin in those days, although the reception was terrible. We soon discovered the reason for the luxuries, a generator out back.

I finally got curious about what I looked like and wandered over to the mirror. The face staring back at me made me gasp. He must have been in his late teens. A good looking kid, with smooth features. Blond hair hung below the shoulders, and blue eyes were set in a smooth face. But that wasn't what made him so fascinating. "Al, come over here."

"What?" he asked, walking up behind me.

"Look in the mirror."

He did, and I saw his face transform into shock.

I gazed at the identical, stunned reflections. We were twins. "I wonder if this had something to do with us leaping together," I mused.

"You're the scientist," he reminded, taking out his wallet to find out who we were.

Why and who still didn't matter to me.

"It's 1955. Jeremy Muir," Al read. "Sixteen years old. Next of kin--Jacob Muir."

I bowed to the inevitable and took out my own wallet. "That's me," I discovered. "Aren't we kind of young to be out here by ourselves?"

"Get real," he told me. "Oh, I forgot, you were just learning to cross the street by yourself at sixteen."

I grabbed him by the collar. "Just remember, this time I can belt you if you start in on me."

"But wouldn't you rather have another beer?"

Al had a point.

 

QLQLQL

 

Al and I continued celebrating into the night, getting happily plastered together. We were sprawled on the couch in a tangled, drunken heap, perusing the Muir's Playboy collection while the Wednesday Night Fights played unnoticed in the background.

"I used to steal Tom's Playboy magazines from his hiding place," I informed Al.

"You're kidding?!"

"Nooo," I said in an insulted slur. "I did. 'Til he caught me, that is. Was the most embarrassing thing ever happened to me. He never stopped teasin' me 'bout it."

"Why should it be embarrassing?"

"Well..." I checked around to make sure no one was listening. "I never tol' anyone else this before."

"Hey--we're best buddies," he leaned closer. "Go on."

"Well, the way he found out was, I didn't realize it but I replaced one of them slightly...damaged."

"Oh--gross!" Al exclaimed with exaggerated disgust. "Check out Miss March." He held the book up in front of me.

I gave it my most careful inspection. "Look at that strange birthmark."

"That's the staple, lover-boy."

"Oh."

Just then we heard a very familiar, but odd noise. Odd considering that Al was lying next to me. It was the Imaging Chamber door. We looked at each other in puzzlement, then slowly turned toward the sound.

I opened my mouth. "Oh--"

"Boy..." Al finished for me.

"Hello, fellas."

The minute I saw her face, a million memories exploded in my brain. Reeling from the shock, I tried to regain my equilibrium. I jumped up, at the same time trying to shove the dirty magazines under the coffee table. "Donna!"

She smiled slightly. "Hello, Sam."

"What are you doing here?" Okay, maybe it was a dumb thing to say, but I was in shock, despite my liquor-fogged brain.

She grinned. "Well, since Al is here, we needed someone to play hologram."

"How?"

Donna glanced at Al, who was busy straightening the table and avoiding looking at me. "We decided we needed a backup, in case something happened to--in case Al was unavailable at a crucial time. Of course, Ziggy had to find a way to get me in tune with two sets of brain waves. He's pretty proud of himself."

"Donna?" I repeated, looking at Al.

Al finally turned to me. "You wouldn't have wanted Gooshie, even his hologram has bad breath."

I was confused and uncertain of how to react. After all, just moments ago I'd had no idea I was married. "How come...I didn't remember?" I asked.

They traded glances. I took a step towards Donna, almost putting out a hand before I stopped myself. It was all too much for me...I didn't want to know this.

"What does Ziggy have for us?" Al asked quickly. He sounded remarkably sober, considering I was still trying to figure out how to make my brain work.

It was weird, seeing Donna fiddle with the handlink instead of Al.

"Besides names, date and place, which you probably already have, we know that Jacob and Jeremy's mother died in childbirth and their father was killed in an automobile accident two years ago. They lived near here, in Monango. After his death, they came here to the father's hunting cabin to avoid being separated."

"Any idea why they leaped out together?" Al asked, while I continued to stare.

"Like many identical twins, they have an exceptionally strong bond. Research has proven that it can involve emotions and psychic ability as well as brain waves." Donna paused and took a deep breath. "Ziggy feels that your brain wave link and strong bond are probably why you leaped in together when they leaped away together. Information's still coming in, so by morning we'll know a lot more."

"Have you talked to the Muir's yet?" Al asked.

"Verbena is with them now."

There was an uncomfortable silence, during which I tried to remember what it was like to hold my wife in my arms. I felt at loose ends, like the bottom had dropped out from my world. The only sane, solid thing, the only thing I could count on, was Al.

I looked to him, seeing sorrow and some guilt. When we were alone again, I had to let him know it was okay, that I didn't hold his silence against him.

Donna seemed not to know what to do next. I guessed she was torn between happiness at finally being able to see and talk to me again, and pain at not being able to touch. I couldn't blame her.

Finally, she cleared her throat. "Oh, by the way Sam, a package came for you the other day, from the law firm of Krosnov, Krosnov, and Lutz. What should I do with it?"

"Oh, uh, put it in my safety deposit box," I told her hastily. "It's not to be opened by anyone, top secret."

"Okay," she answered mildly, accepting the direction without curiosity.

"What's that all about?" Al asked. He wasn't as accepting.

"Nothing."

Donna regarded us with a wry, knowing grin. "I'll let you two get a good night sleep, I can see you're 'tired' from the leap-in." She took a step towards me, then abruptly stopped. "Goodnight, darling," she said quietly and left through the door.

"Al?"

"Yeah?"

"That was my wife."

"I know."

"I didn't."

"How many times do I have to go through this?" Al asked the ceiling. Then he turned to me with an imploring gaze. "I'm sorry, Sam. What more can I say? You should remember why, now."

"It's okay Al," I absurdly found myself trying to comfort him. "I know she wouldn't let you tell me."

"I wish..." he began, then paused. "It should be her here instead of me."

I approached him. "It isn't. And...I can't wish you weren't here. I wouldn't be able to do this--" I hugged him to me, seeking as much to be comforted as to comfort. It felt wonderful. Safe and warm. Sometimes I had a wife, sometimes I didn't. But I always had Al. In my crazy, changing world, Al was always the one thing I could be sure of.

"Ahh, Sam..." he sighed.

"Why'd you pick her?" I asked after a moment.

"She's your wife. If I couldn't be there--she's the one who should be."

A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach told me what _if_ meant. I didn't like thinking those thoughts, especially when I'd just been contemplating how much Al meant to me. What would I do without him in my life? The time I leaped into him and erased him from the Project, even when I was starting to forget he ever existed, an emptiness in my soul remained. I'd done just fine all these years not knowing about Donna, but I'd refused to let go of Al.

"It was just a precaution," Sam," he told me quietly. "And see? It paid off. How would we figure out why we're here if there was no contact with Ziggy?"

"We'd be stuck here with beer and centerfolds forever," I said, not sadly. Actually, the thought of not completing the leap seemed like a pretty good idea right then. I could pretend I was really Jacob and forget all about the mess called Sam Beckett's life.

"Centerfolds can't kiss back," Al told me with a grin.

Abruptly angry, I picked up a magazine and threw it across the room. "What's it matter to me?!"

"Hey--" he put his hands on my shoulders comfortingly. "You'll come home to her one day. Who knows? Maybe we'll switch places next time. I can leap and you can take a vacation...or a second honeymoon," he said in a suggestive tone.

"Shut up, Al," I said tiredly, turning away. I didn't want to try and think anymore. It was giving me a headache. "I'm going to bed."

 

QLQLQL

 

The small cabin had only one bedroom, but it was large, with a king sized bed. I lay in the darkness, watching the room spin. I was disappointed, hurt, angry, and I was too drunk to figure out why. I knew I was pissed off that the party had ended on such a down note. Needing a scapegoat, I decided it was all Donna's fault, everything was going great until she came along. She'd ruined everything.

Hazy images of our life together filled my mind, but along with the happy memories came apprehension, like a black cloud following me around. I couldn't remember the good times without feeling uneasy. Like something wasn't right. It made me want to put her out of my mind, forget her again. Maybe the knowledge was just too painful to deal with.

Al's soft voice came out of the shadows, as he dropped onto the bed next to me. "It must be tough, seeing her there and not being able to be with her. I know how I felt when I saw Beth..." When I didn't answer, he continued. "If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."

"I know you are, Al."

He seemed to need to fill in the silence, and after a moment, spoke again. "I wonder what we're here to do."

"Maybe to get Jacob and Jeremy to join the world again. Can you believe it? They've lived here alone since they were fourteen."

"I don't think they care. They have each other."

I could relate to that, and I had no wish to break up the only family they had left. "It might take awhile, but maybe we can find a way to keep them together. This is no life for a kid. For one thing, they should be in school." He didn't respond to that right away, but I knew something was coming.

"I wish I'd been able to find a place like this, for Trudy and me. Maybe she'd still be alive."

My heart lurched. This leap seemed to be bringing all his painful memories out at once. Remembering those times I had to helplessly stare at him while he went through it all again, I reached out my hand, finding his. His fingers held on tightly. There must be some small measure of comfort I could give him... Then I remembered something I'd wondered about long ago, when Al had finally gotten around to telling me about his sister. I'd never dared to bring it up, afraid Al would laugh at me...or worse. Maybe sharing it with him now might make things easier.

"Do you believe in reincarnation, Al?" I asked.

He thought about it before answering. "Well, I'm not really sure. Knowing it's possible and feeling it inside are two different things."

"I feel it inside."

"Why, do you know what your past life was?"

"Yes," I answered carefully.

He rolled over onto his side. I'd piqued his curiosity. "Yeah, who were you, Einstein?" he said with a grin.

"I was a young girl." I took a very deep breath and just plunged in. "Her name was Trudy Calavicci."

A tense pause followed my announcement. "What? he said sharply, as if trying to decide if I was serious or kidding.

"I wouldn't joke about a thing like this, Al."

"What makes you think..."

"She died the year I was born, for one thing. Coincidence, or meant to be? Why did you and I end up finding each other? It even has a kind of balanced logic--from a smart retarded girl to a dumb genius guy. See?" I tried to lighten things a bit, to smooth it over.

"Why?" he managed to get out.

I squeezed his hand. "Because she was so crazy about her brother that she wanted to be with him more than anything," I told him, voice choked with emotion. "The way things were, she knew she'd probably never be again. You couldn't understand how she could die of pneumonia. She wanted another chance."

"You're drunk," he told me. But as I looked at his face in the faint light from the open window, I saw the silver glide of tears down his cheeks.

"I know how she felt, Al," I whispered, thinking again of Bingo and my all-night vigil to keep him with me. I gave in to the urge to take advantage of this precious opportunity. Moving closer, I reached out to him. "How about leaning on me, for a change?"

"But you--" he tried to make his typical protest.

I cut him off. "How many times have you put aside your own problems to be there for me?"

We both knew the answer to that. Al let himself be held and comforted, allowing me to give back some of what I'd taken through the years. I couldn't feel unneeded, having been chosen to leap around in time and help people, but it had been a long time since I felt needed by the most important person, the one I myself needed more than anyone else. Anyone...

"Sweet dreams, Al."

 

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I had a rude awakening the next morning. A construction crew was doing jackhammer work inside my skull, and the sun was shooting lasers instead of sunbeams. Groaning, I stumbled into the bathroom and found the aspirin, on the counter where Al had left them for me. That he was awake and about before me was amazing, but then drinking was something Al was expert at.

I did my business in the john, then went in search of my partner. As I approached the kitchen, I heard voices coming from within. I slowed down, stopping just outside the doorway to listen. Al and Donna were in the middle of a deep discussion.

Donna was talking. "...and Ziggy's claiming everything will probably go back to normal after this leap, with you coming home. Just think, with me taking over as hologram, you'll be free to relax for once. Take a vacation. We've all wondered how you've kept it up all these years."

"I don't know, Donna. Nothing personal, but I'm not sure you could predict Sam's moves like I can. I've had years of experience."

"But now that he knows he's married, there's no reason for me to stay away. He'll have to deal with it whether I'm around him or not."

The hangover was making me cranky, and the conversation adding to the pounding in my head. Fed up, I stormed into the kitchen. "I just came in to get a glass of milk," I explained, striding over to the refrigerator without looking at either of them. "Let me know when you two are finished fighting over me." I slammed the door closed. "Or, why don't you just saw me in half, each of you take some!"

"Sam, that's not fair," Al began.

"Tell me about not fair, Al."

"We just want what's best for you--" Donna started.

I hurled the milk carton across the room. It exploded against the wall, running down towards the floor. I turned on Al. "Do you really think you have the right to decide for me?"

"I think I have the right to protect you, no matter what it takes, yes," he said, firmly. Not backing down.

There wasn't much I could say in the face of that. So I turned my frustrated anger on Donna. "And you. Do you really think you could handle anything that happens during a leap?" She nodded and started to speak, but I wouldn't let her. "You could handle anything you saw?! What if you'd walked in on something like what happened in the last leap?"

"Sam..." Al warned. His attempted intervention only made me that much more determined. I was tired of feeling manipulated.

"There was a man down on his knees in front of me, with my dick in his mouth." I noted her gasp with satisfaction. "Could you handle that? Huh?" I taunted.

Her eyes changed, the look in them turning from distress to fire, and I was reminded abruptly of some of the knock down, drag outs we used to have. The adrenaline coursed through me. I admit it, I was dying for a good fight to release some of my pent-up frustrations. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Al, very uncomfortable at being in the middle of our marital row. He always was, and as I recalled he'd been exposed to more than a few of them.

"The question is, how did _you_?" Donna spat at me.

"He gave head better than you do, I'll say that," I quipped. "Not that that's hard to do--excuse the pun."

"You were probably wishing it was Al anyway," Donna delivered her coupe.

More holes were filling in rapidly. I was in familiar territory. "Maybe," I told her mildly.

"Fine," she said icily, putting a punctuation point on it by using the handlink to disappear.

After a moment, Al spoke, though he avoided looking at me. "Should you really antagonize her too much? She hasn't told us why we're here yet."

"Good," I said, very loudly. "So we'll have to stay here together for the rest of our lives."

From somewhere within the cabin, I heard the sound of the Imaging Chamber door. Satisfied that Donna was really gone this time, I helped myself to the coffee on the stove. "I'm sorry, Al. I'm just not in a very good mood this morning."

"I don't get you," he said, shaking his head.

I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. He went into the other room, and a few minutes later, I heard the shower running.

 

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The rest of the day, Donna was absent. I was able to put the dark clouds out of my mind and concentrate on enjoying myself. Safe in my fantasy that everything was okay--same as it used to be. The expected comments from Al never appeared, he let the subject drop altogether.

The day was clear and sunny. We went swimming in the lake down at the end of the fire road, and cooked lunch outside on the grill. Each moment stretched on just a little longer, as I stored up the memories of the rare time together, appreciating every last second.

We had a long talk about alpha waves. Al admitted that it was really me he saw. As the years went on, he'd developed the skill to see beyond the aura, although it had taken him a little while to realize it when we'd leaped in. I was getting used to seeing him as Jeremy, though if I tried hard enough, I could see more of Al than the boy he'd leaped into.

Finally, I decided to broach the touchy subject he was avoiding. "Al," I began while we ate. "About this morning...it's very important to me that you know...I don't want anyone else for my hologram. Just you. Unless--" I added as a sudden thought struck me. "...you want to take a break from--god knows you deserve--"

Al stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Hey--we're partners, right?"

"Always."

"Then I'll be there as long as you need me."

I smiled. "Always."

 

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By the end of the day, I knew what the dark cloud following me was. Indecision. Frankly speaking, I was torn between Donna and Al. She was my wife and I'd made a vow to her, but suddenly all I really wanted to do was be with Al.

My true feelings had spurred me to pick a fight wither her. If I was angry, I wouldn't have to feel guilty. The fact that I still cared for her only made it worse. Regret tinged with sadness plagued me every time I thought about our marriage, yet I could no longer deny the truth. All the thoughts on my mind had provided the answer. It was too obvious...I loved Al more.

I glanced at him. We were in bed, he was reading and I was lying there staring at the ceiling. When I had him in my arms for the first time, out in the yard, I hadn't wanted to let go. Regardless of any feelings I still had for Donna, I now knew what I really wanted. Besides, if Ziggy was right and things went back to the way they were, who I loved more would be a moot point. She'd be home without me, Al would be only a hologram, and I'd be...alone again.

The bottom line was, if I wanted to explore any new feelings I'd better do it soon. I had no idea if we'd be together after this leap or not. The questions bugging me now were, what did Al want, and how to bring the subject up?

"Feel like talking?" Al asked, putting the book on the table.

Maybe he'd make it easy for me. "As a matter of fact, I do." I turned onto my side and moved closer to him, propping my head in my hand. "Some conversations are better in the dark," I told him. It wasn't an easy topic for me, and I preferred semi-darkness to harsh light.

"I know," Al agreed quietly. He hit the switch. There was still plenty of light coming in from a lamp in the living room. "I wonder where Donna is," he said. His way of broaching the topic he wanted to discuss.

I sighed. "She'll be back. When she gets over her snit." It wasn't her I wanted to talk about, but he'd given me a nice opening to sway the conversation. "You know what happened in the kitchen with Adam," I stated.

"You knew I was there?"

"No. I figured it out this morning. You knew what I was going to say, you tried to stop me from telling her."

"Why did you?"

"I was mad. Donna and I always hit below the belt when we're mad. The lower the better. No pun intended," I added, realizing what I'd said.

I waited for him to question me on the other leap, or my behavior towards Donna. But when he spoke again, it was to completely change the subject. "Sam, there's a question that's been bugging me for awhile now."

"What?"

"What was in that package from the lawyer?"

"Uh..." I tried to stall, wondering if he was doing the same thing by his change of topic. If so, what was he so afraid of? Maybe the answer to his feelings was under my nose all the while as well.

"Sam...you didn't..."

"Well...your first role in the movies, I couldn't just destroy it."

"You didn't have any problems before."

"How do we know? Maybe there's two copies of Hot Tub Hunks in my safety deposit box now. You can destroy it if you want," I told him.

He didn't say anything to that.

Maybe it wasn't a change of topic after all. "There's one thing I don't understand, Al. I mean, I remember your problem accepting the subject of homosexuality when I leaped into Prescott Military Academy. How could you say the things you did after being in one of those movies? I mean, what changed your mind?"

"Actually, you did."

"Yeah, I know, you told me that at the Academy. But that was years before."

Al smiled. "No, I did the movie in another timeline."

"Huh?"

"You remember when you leaped into me?"

"Sure."

"You created another timeline for me there. I did the movie in that latest timeline. The leap at Prescott is entirely different from the way you remember it, you haven't been home yet to pick up the new memories. I was behind you a hundred percent all the while."

"Well, that's good to know..." I said uncertainly. "Hey--that's why I didn't remember the movie. I knew I wouldn't Swiss cheese something like that." I gazed at him carefully. "I have a wife I didn't remember, you did a porno movie I didn't know about...is there anything else I don't know about?"

Al grinned. "I'll never tell."

"Al...I'll beat it out of you," I threatened, an excuse to move yet closer, to touch as I grasped his arm tightly.

"There really isn't that much to tell. Well, we do have one new thing in common..." he drawled.

"What's what?"

"Both our first wives were named Lisa."

"What?" I sputtered. Then a sudden fear occurred to me. "You're not still married, are you?"

"Lisa went back to her first husband, can you believe it?"

"I'm sorry, Al," I muttered, turning away. "Just once I wish I could do something for you that doesn't end up hurting you more in the end." Like what I was contemplating might...

Al pulled me back to him. "Let's face it, pal, I was just not meant to be married."

"You just figured that out?" I teased, some of my humor returning.

"What about you and your poor little cheerleader? One kiss and bam! I guess we don't know the power of them Beckett kisses," he quipped.

 _Would you like to?_ It was on the tip of my tongue, but refused to venture further and leave the safety of the unspoken. A perfect opportunity, and I couldn't go through with it. Instead, I filled the ensuing quiet with a tentative question, encouraged by the vibes I was getting from him. "What's it like?"

"What?"

I paused, taking a steadying breath. "Being with...another man."

"You were--" he began.

"It wasn't the same. It was just a mouth in the dark."

He hesitated. "It was a long time ago during a drunken stupor. I don't really remember."

_Now or never, Beckett..._

"Would you like to refresh your memory...with me?"

Al's eyes closed. Invitation or not, I leaned forward, touching his lips lightly with my own.

To my delight, after the first hesitation, he kissed back. His arm went around me, drawing us closer together. I was more certain than ever that this was where I belonged.

When the kiss was over we stayed here like that, only our breathing breaking the silence for a time. My heart was filled with the promise of fulfillment, leaving me breathless.

"Al, please tell me if we ever--"

"No. We didn't. You weren't the type of guy to cheat on your wife."

Reproach? I waited, not speaking.

"What brought this on?" Al finally asked quietly, then answered his own question. "I guess I know. What about Donna?"

"She's not here," I said, voice breaking. "You are, and I love you. I want to...be loved again."

Al's arms tightened at my words, the reaction reassuring me. "I have a confession to make," he began. "When Donna and I were discussing her being a hologram...I didn't just say what I did because I thought you couldn't get along without me." He hesitated. "It was because I was afraid. You'd have her, and you wouldn't need me anymore. That if I gave this up, I'd lose you. Just like she must feel," he whispered in a voice agonized with indecision.

"I'll always need you, Al," I countered. "Remember that book I was reading on the other leap, Mirror of my Soul?, I want to tell you about it now. A wealthy man named Edwardo fell in love with a young pauper. He took the kid, Alsino, under his wing and made all his dreams come true. Edwardo loved his friend so much, he devoted his life to watching over him, like a guardian angel. Edwardo wanted Alsino to be happy so much, he even arranged it so he could marry one of the maidens in the village. But his love was always his secret, he never told Alsino. I felt like crying when I read that, Al. It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard."

Al said nothing.

Finally, I raised my head to his. "He never took the chance. Never found out what it might be like to let his friend love him back..."

"I never could deny you anything, damn you..." Al murmured. His hands cupped my face, so gently it took my breath away. "Do you know what you're doing?"

"I know I love you. I know no one has ever made me feel like this. Touch me, Al..." I whispered urgently.

He obeyed. Our lips found each other again, lingering this time. And it was only the beginning...

We taught each other a lot in the next few hours. I learned things about myself, and Al. Things beyond my wildest dreams unfolded there in the darkness between us. It was just Al and me. Jeremy and Jacob were gone.

All that I knew were Al's eyes.

 

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As I lay in the peaceful aftermath, Al sound asleep in my arms, a voice rose out of the silence like a whiff of corruption on the wind.

"My, my, aren't we cozy." Her words dripped like acid.

I paused, marshaling my response. I'd never let Donna know she'd taken me by surprise in the past, I wasn't about to start now. "I told him you'd be back eventually," I commented mildly. Inside, it stabbed at me for her to find out this way.

"Sorry to disappoint you," she said, loudly.

I had to admit it, there was no way to avoid a nasty scene. I could only try to spare Al as much as possible.

"Still, that doesn't seem to stop you from managing to find someone to screw around with." Her voice rose with each word. Hoping to wake Al so she could tear into him, and it wasn't hard to imagine the things she would say.

It brought out my protective instincts. I pointed a warning finger at her. I didn't want Al subjected to any scenes of this nature, and she knew it. "If you wake him up, so help me--I'll have you thrown off the Project so fast, you won't know what hit you."

"And just how do you propose to do that, dear husband, from there?"

"You're forgetting there's a chance I may leap home after this. If I do, you may know what hit you after all."

"Go out with a bang, not a whimper, I always say. What amazes me is that you can lay there so calm, with--him--in your arms, and not even give the slightest damn about your wife's feelings!"

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her and I knew I was, but she was pushing all the right buttons. When Donna felt wronged, she turned into a spiteful shrew. She didn't invite compassion. Which, I had to admit with a touch of guilt, suited me fine. It made it so much easier to avoid the guilt I rightfully deserved to be suffering. Had she handled it differently, she could have wounded me like she wanted to. All she was doing was giving justification to my anger.

I took a deep breath. "What is there to say? If I tell you I'm genuinely sorry it had to happen like this, you won't believe me. If I say I'm in love with him, you won't care. I could say I really do love you and it hurts to hurt you like this, but you'd probably laugh at me."

Donna spun around so that her back was to us. "You'd rather have me cry, beg at your feet. When hell freezes over, Dr. Beckett!" she spat.

I heard the tears in her voice despite the venomous tone, and my insides lurched. "I don't want us to hate each other..." I began though I knew it was futile. I knew this scenario, too. It would be me, not her, who cried and begged. Then, when she had me where she wanted me, she'd claim victory over her kill with smug satisfaction. It was how she always got what she wanted.

It was how she'd gotten me, I realized with clarity. She'd stood me up at the altar, only I went after her and found her. She started ranting and raving about how I spent more time with Al and my work than her, and how if I really loved her, etc., etc., etc... I'd ended up apologizing until I was out of breath, and begging her for another chance.

Not this time.

What had really kept me coming back for more? Those make up scenes were unequaled. In fact, she was rather luke warm in bed, except following one of our fights. But that had never mattered to me, because yes, I did spend more of my time with Al or in the lab. It was convenient, pleasant, and when the mood struck and needs could no longer be put off, passionate. The perfect marriage for me...at the time.

But that was the old Sam Beckett. The driven man who was obsessed with science. Whose idea of fun was working on equations and who spoke to his family twice a year at best. This one had learned some important things about the real meaning of life.

"Why did you wait, all these years?" I asked her.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"You're an addiction, Sam Beckett. Oh, I wasn't celibate either, don't think I was. But you've spoiled me for other men."

'Why don't you start a fight with them, that's how it always worked for us."

"You underestimate yourself. Ask Al, when he wakes up. Ask him if anyone can give you up once they've tasted the forbidden fruit."

And also because Donna hated to lose. I was her husband, her possession, and she didn't let go easily. I remembered how she'd clung to her poor father once she'd gotten him back. In his guilt, he indulged her every whim. Men owed Donna. And she was determined to make them pay. I could understand her, but I couldn't accept it anymore. I'd paid my guilty dues even before I'd known I was at fault. Now, I was done.

Another memory hit me with the force of a blow, and I knew that no matter what, I could never forgive her. Of Donna, begging me not to leap again. "I thought maybe things were different, when I was home the last time. But how could I stay with a woman who would selfishly see a man die, just so she could be with her husband?"

"Not a man--Al. And that's the only way I'd win that one. I guess we were both wrong," she admitted. "I can't divorce you, you know, the government won't let me. So I could never remarry if I fell in love while you're lost in time. We're stuck with each other."

"Maybe you can wait another two years and have me declared legally dead," I suggested helpfully.

"You'd love that, wouldn't you? Turn me into a Beth and make you the wronged party."

I sighed tiredly. "You know what I'd really love? If for once, we could handle things amicably."

"If you can, I can," she snapped, as always refusing to relinquish the upper hand.

"Good. Is there any more news on the leap?"

Donna turned around to face me again. "We're having problems with Ziggy, but what else is new. He's tapped into a computer dating network and he's running amok." She gave me a long look. "Figures he's your creation. But we narrowed it down to something happening within the next two days that profoundly changes the Muir's lives."

"For better or worse?" I asked.

"It's always for worse, isn't it?" With those parting words, she was gone through the doorway.

 

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Morning dawned warm and inviting, with loving kisses and soft tender words to dissolve the unpleasantness of the previous night. It was easy to forget my guilt, my responsibilities, my mistakes, in Al's accepting arms.

Now that everything was out in the open with us and words of love had been spoken, he was relaxed, letting himself bask in my attentions. The guilt that I'd expected had not developed, but then maybe he was saving it for when he got home. And he didn't know about Donna discovering us together. I'd have to tell him eventually. It wasn't something I looked forward to. Or something I was going to dwell on. We had better things to do with our remaining time.

"Hey--" Al said with a lazy smile. "You never told me how the title of the book ties in with the story. Mirror of my soul."

I slipped my arm around his neck. "You know what I see when I look into your eyes?" My voice lowered. "Me."

His smile was as full as my heart felt. "That's not surprising." He pulled me to him for a kiss.

That was all either of us said, for a long, long time.

 

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Much later, we wandered into the kitchen to fix something to eat.

"There's one thing that's, well, kinda bothering me," Al said as I started taking food out of the refrigerator.

I braced myself for a number of possibilities, turning to face him. "What?"

"Well, thinking about what you said the other night, about...you know, Trudy. And now we--" I felt a relieved smile break out. "Al," I chastised affectionately, "we're talking about a soul here, a spirit--not a personality. For all we know, this soul could have been your parent in another life, or...well, anything."

"It just takes some getting used to. Like I said, what you know and what you feel don't always mesh."

I moved to him and put my arms around his waist. "I know we were meant to be together," I vowed with all the intensity in my heart. "Can you feel that?"

He slowly and seductively rubbed our crotches together. "Oh yeah, I feel it."

"Al!" I hit him on the arm.

"In more ways than one," he added with solemn eyes, touching my lips softly.

If we hadn't been hungry, we'd have probably gone back into the bedroom there and then, but man does not live by that alone. Especially if he needs to keep up his strength.

I reluctantly disentangled myself and went over to start a fire in the stove. "Wood's low," I told Al. "We're going to have to go out and get some more."

"I'll tell you what," he said, coming over and wrapping his arms around me from behind. "You fix breakfast and I'll go see what I can find. Maybe there's a woodpile somewhere we missed. If not, I'll see if I can find us a nice tree to sacrifice later."

I laughed. "Okay. Hurry back."

With one last kiss to my neck, he was gone. I began cooking the food, humming to myself as I worked.

About ten minutes later, the sound I used to long for but was learning to hate, appeared. Donna stepped out of the Imaging Chamber doorway.

"Good morning," I said, trying to keep things civil.

"Yes, it is." Donna peered out the window. "The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day."

She really sounded like she believed it. I turned and stared at her. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Verbena gave me a little pill. It's really quite calming."

"Wonderful. Do you know why we're here yet?"

"Still having technical difficulties beyond our control. What are you cooking?"

"Bacon and eggs," I answered, as if it wasn't obvious from one look. Speaking of, I took a good look at Donna. She didn't seem drugged up, but she was acting glaringly out of character.

"Bacon isn't good for your health, you know that. All that fat and cholesterol," she tisked at me. "Especially when heart disease runs in your family."

"Maybe you'll get lucky and I'll have a heart attack."

Donna smiled brightly, ignoring my suggestion. "Where's Al?" she asked casually.

"Outside looking for wood." Her cheery mood was sending off warnings inside of me. "Donna, are you sure you don't know what we're here to do?"

"I told you--"

"I know what you told me. Now I want you to tell me why we're here."

She sighed, idly fidgeting with the handlink. "What time is it?" she asked.

"Fifteen minutes after ten," I supplied impatiently. "Come on!"

"I'm trying," she countered.

"Bullshit," I responded. "I got real used to all of Al's tricks. You're not asking Ziggy anything."

"It's coming up now," she said sweetly, as if she hadn't heard my comment. "You're here to prevent Jeremy from getting killed in an accident. Jacob couldn't handle his brother's death. He ended up in an institution for the mentally insane. Poor dear. – Or maybe that was _you_..."

"What kind of accident?" I demanded.

"He was accidentally shot by a hunter while gathering wood for the stove."

The blood in my veins turned to ice. I was already running for the door. "When?" I called behind me. There was no answer. " _When_?!" I yelled.

"In about fifteen seconds," Donna replied calmly.

 

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I tore out of the door, screaming Al's name. My heart was pounding so loudly, I wouldn't have heard a gunshot if one was fired. I ran into the woods, frantically scanning for a sign of him.

Then, I finally saw him up ahead. "Get down!" I yelled, hoping the noise would alert the hunter as well, and used my last burst of energy to propel me the distance to Al as fast as humanly possible.

At the very same moment, I heard the shot. Al went down. I made it to him and collapsed onto the ground next to him in a panting, petrified heap.

When I was able to take a good look, I saw Al was holding his shoulder and staring at me. Only then did I breathe again. His reaction to my shout wasn't fast enough to prevent injury, but instead of killing him, the shot only grazed his upper arm. That was as close a call as I ever wanted to see.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, dazed.

I wrapped my arms around him tightly. "We were here to save Jeremy from getting killed like this."

"I'm okay," he soothed, rubbing my back. "Take it easy."

I pulled away, remembering his wound. I eased the jacket from his shoulder to check on it. I had to tell Al about Donna. If he should leap home alone...he had to know he was dealing with a mentally unbalanced woman.

"Al--"

"What happened?" a voice asked, cutting me off.

I turned to see the hunter, standing over us in concern.

He saw the blood staining Al's shirt, and his face paled. "Oh my god...I didn't know. I thought I saw a deer," he babbled.

"He was trying to kill Bambi," Al said, glaring at him.

I looked up at him, as all the anger I was feeling bubbled over. At that moment, I wanted to kill something. With a growl, I lunged at the man.

And leaped.

 

**The End**

7/22/92

 

**Author's Note:**

> OMG -- where will Sam leap next? What will happen if Al leaps home, unknowing that Donna might be a danger to him? Final story in the series will tell all.


End file.
